A Name and A Face

juska_salminen @ 2005-02-14T01:44:00

2005-02-13T23:55:34Z

Gosh, where does time go? I'll tell you. It's sucked up by rehearsals and album work. Soon we will have something to show for it. Other than sweat and sore body parts that is. Tour dates have been posted on our website, which has also had a nice overhaul and a new layout is being used.

07/03/2005 Moscow                     Rus -
18/03/2005 Kouvola                     Fin   Rytmikatti
19/03/2005 Vantaa                       Fin -
24/03/2005 Torgau                       Ger Kreiskulturhaus
25/03/2005 Greifswald                 Ger Mensa
26/03/2005 Berlin                        Ger K 17
27/03/2005 Bamberg                   Ger Live Club
28/03/2005 Salzgitter                   Ger Forellenhof
29/03/2005 Bad Cannstadt          Ger Jungenzentrum Anna
30/03/2005 München                   Ger Titanic City
01/04/2005 Zomergem                Bel T'oud Liefken
02/04/2005 Münster/Dieburg       Ger Live Arena
06/04/2005 Dubrovnik                Cro Klub Orlando
07/04/2005 Nova                       Gorica Slo Mostovna
08/04/2005 Graz                        Aut Explosiv
09/04/2005 Leoben                   Aut Spektrum
10/04/2005 Innsbruck               Aut Hafen
12/04/2005 Pratteln                     Ch Z7
13/04/2005 TBA Fra -
14/04/2005 TBA Fra -
15/04/2005 TBA Ita -
16/04/2005 TBA Ita -
17/04/2005 TBA Ita -
29/04/2005 Jyväskylä                Fin Bar 68
07/05/2005 Istanbul                  Tur Bronx Club
17/05/2005 Kuopio                   Fin -                                                                      29/10/2005 Kajaani                  Fin Rocktober Fest

Our new single, Little Deaths, will be released in Finland on February 17th. If you want to hear a little bit of it then right click save here We put up some new promo pics as well on the site, and I'm sure everybody will be happy to see I still have the skirt.

juska_salminen @ 2005-01-12T10:26:00

2005-01-12T08:38:18Z

It's rather sad that I come back just as Lauri decides to leave. Shame.

I made an appearance at Mige's birthday party per his request and have just finally found the desire to write in this thing. The party was..interesting. I can say that much. Yet also completely predictable. I think there needs to be new games thought up because the ones you play now are getting old.

I may keep this up, I may not. I haven't decided yet. We shall see how inspired I feel. We have a new album and tour coming up in March so I'm constantly busy rehearsing and getting everything done for that. I am lucky if I get a few hours sleep here and there. I did however, find some lovely new pictures of myself to grace you with.

The number is still the same Just Juska

Emo maybe

2004-09-19T23:05:48Z

Jani has decided to close his journal which has thrown me for a bit of a loop. It shouldn't, I was the one who said we needed time apart after all, but now I wonder if I made the right decision. And at the moment I guess I won't be able to find out for sure. The whole point of...this...was my fear of losing him to somebody else. And in the end I was the one that pushed him away. I guess it's true that all relationships eventually dissintegrate and fall apart. No matter how much you want them to work out.

It makes me think back to the night Lauri and I spent in my room, drinking, musing, rambling. Relationships. Yay or Nay? It's hard to see the positive in them lately. I could throw blame around but there's no point. In the end I made the decisions I did. I have to live with that.

I just realized it's my birthday in six days. I'm so not in the mood to celebrate although getting drunk and passing out sounds like fun.

juska_salminen @ 2004-09-02T13:35:00

2004-09-02T12:39:46Z

The swelling in my jaw has mostly gone down. The bruising is fading away. Physical pain heals much faster then emotional. I take my lumps when I deserve them. And I deserved this. I don't know why I've been doing the things I do. My mind seems to be on autopilot and it's as if I'm on the outside watching somebody else control me. Reading Jani's post made what I thought was the right thing, feel so horribly wrong. All that's left is to immerse myself in recording and hope it distracts me well enough for now.

juska_salminen @ 2004-08-30T00:11:00

2004-08-29T23:27:29Z

The UK was a blast but now I need a rest. And soon recording begins.

Went to the Reading festival to see some friends, and I can't say I was happy with the way some of them were treated. Managed to catch a few other bands as well, mingling with the crowds as best I could.

At some point Lauri and I got shitfaced in my hotel room. It's nice spending time with an old friend again. Fred will remember to call Wilma.

Take that however you feel like.

As for the rest of my trip, it's not important. What is important is returning home to Jani for a long overdue talk.

juska_salminen @ 2004-08-27T06:00:00

2004-08-27T03:03:25Z

Mess with fire and you get burned.

I've suddenly become a pyromaniac.

An update of substance, maybe

2004-08-22T18:42:16Z

It's been awhile since I've written about the band so I thought I'd share a bit more info. We changed the name from Tiaga back to To/Die/For. This happened after we were offered a record deal by Spinefarm Records. Our current lineup is

Jape Perätalo--Vocals, Juppe "J.P." Sutela--guitar, Santtu Lonka--drums, Mika "Alli" Ahtiainen--guitar, Me on keyboards and Jarkko Strandman on bass.

We released Jaded in March of 2003, (Epilogue was released in 2001). Jaded includes a guest appearance by Marco Hietala, current bass player/vocalist for Nightwish. Now we are going to be heading into Sonicimage here in Kouvola soon to record our next album which will be tentatively due out in the beginning of 2005. Wish us luck.

I found a not too recent interview with some pretty pictures here. It inspired me to make a few new icons. When I get around to digging out enough spare change to get a paid account, I'll make some more. I also made a few small changes to my user info page, if anybody cares.

Is it prudent to dial a number, if only to find out nobody will answer?

I felt like a teenager again for a few stolen moments. Your words make sense and cause me to think. Your actions dangerous and inviting. Impressive your strength. Intriguing your ideas. Thanks for everything. Especially the lippie. I still like cinnamon best.

gaping wound

2004-08-06T22:15:10Z

Well that was unexpected but slightly ironic. I know I accepted your apology but I'm still digesting it all. I blame myself partly, for not always being around and available. Maybe that's why I gave into you again so easily. It brings back flashes of the past, something I didn't want to go through again. I hope I made the right choice.

Monologue: An infected curse.

2004-07-19T02:03:13Z

Was anyone else aware that these journals could be so problematic? I’ve found that I can write cascading sonnets of epic proportion, sifted with emotional content surrounding a specific subject, but only when well aware that not a soul will have the opportunity or potential to read a single world.

Call it past due, but censored. Footnotes to come at a later date, maybe.

I often wonder about the day when I will receive the call from several specific happy voices telling me that the mighty have fallen. The rope once strong has become threadbare and now hangs by a single twine that could snap at any given moment. So I’m curious. Will I laugh? Will I suddenly question why I wasn’t willing to dive devious emotional influence, and wish I had participated in the final battle that won the war?

What good may come from what ifs?

Expectation pops up out of nowhere, infecting the spirit until doubt replaces expectance and you’re biting your nails wondering if anything will ever be said.

There have only been two times in my life when I was left that vulnerable. One is rather well known. The other should be clear to someone.

I remember how it felt vividly. The waiting. So how could I put someone through the same time honored battle of inner torment?

Is a sorry even acceptable so late after the fact?

We wrestle with guilt…but.

Anymore, I find that regret isn’t in my vocabulary. Even if I am sorry – what’s done is inevitably done and forgiveness is in your hands.

Walking the beaten path until a promising pebble causes a fall of epic proportion…

Save your hate for someone more deserving. Someday I will offer suggestions.

juska_salminen @ 2004-07-18T09:21:00

2004-07-18T07:06:26Z

Jani is off taking some time to himself. Communing with nature and all of that. I completely respect his need for space so I have been using the time to do reflecting of my own. I've also done some self searching on the internet and this is what I found.

I have my own fanlisting. Yeah sure it only has four members but it's there! My existence has been validated.

Now I need to go make preparations for Jani's return.

I promise a real update soon.

juska_salminen @ 2004-06-22T09:52:00

2004-06-22T07:08:13Z

Time passes quickly and he's back in my arms again. The knock at the door sends my heart pounding. His hand at my back, a smile on his lips, it's as if we were never apart. He is home to me.

Not only is he back, but we had another lovely visitor as well. Hannah graced us with her presence at the Lost and Found. I do believe we tortured the poor thing with our flirting though. But she handled it well. She promised to come back and join us for dinner some time before her schooling starts. I look forward to that. In the meantime, everything is about him. Reaquainting, reawakening, reaffirming. I promised to play him a new piece I've been working on. Perhaps he would lend that something that had been missing up till now. The ending to my "masterpiece". Or maybe he'll be the only one I ever play it for and after that it will become lost to the ages, a private moment only for the two of us to know.

I know I should immerse myself in things around me, but I'm not ready yet. He's all I need.

juska_salminen @ 2004-05-17T09:04:00

2004-05-17T13:11:08Z

I've been spending time with my love in the states, watching him wow the americans night after night. He makes me proud. And also nostolgic. Once in awhile I drift away to a time when I stood where he does. Obviously not in these cities but, at concerts halls the same. Some days he's exhausted beyond belief, barely moving out of bed, sore and cranky. I do my best to comfort him, offering relief in the ways I can give it. But always when he's on stage, he makes himself appear as if he's as happy as can be and nothing is bothering him. My little soldier, marching ever on.

It's funny, I meant to only stay a few days, but those days have turned into the last couple of weeks. I feel like a nomad, but that doesn't bother me. Waking up in his arms is all that has mattered. I keep my distance, stay out of the way of band matters and all has been going well. Soon I will return home, and back to my normal routine. My keyboard awaits, songs to be practiced, band stuff to be dealt with. But right now, is his time to shine.

juska_salminen @ 2004-04-16T00:29:00

2004-04-15T22:26:13Z

I really need to stop neglecting this thing.

I suppose you all want a nice little report about what I have been up to, right? That is why you read this thing. Well, those of you that still pay attention to it.

Bam and I went out for drinks a few days ago which was quite nice. The conversation was light, the jager flowing and for a few moments I thought the poor boy might bolt if I made any sudden moves. But he didn't, rather, he seemed to enjoy the moves I made. Such a dear thing. Shame he had to go so soon. But I think he got what he wanted.

Spent some quality time with Hannah and met her friend Miss Fiona Apple. If you've never had the chance to hang out with these two I suggest you do it. They are quite entertaining. I know I'll never look at Salmiakki the same way again. That's for sure.

And now for the grand finale. Up until recently I was spending some time in Germany with a lovely man. We spent those days talking and enjoying each other, getting close again. The end result is that I now have a wonderful boyfriend. Dating again wasn't something I really thought about until recently. We all go through bad experiences and some of us take longer to get over them than others. That, and I was enjoying my freedom as a single man. But I am quite happy with this situation. I've missed being a part of something, with someone. Sadly, I had to leave almost as quick as we came to that decision. Jani, I will see you again soon, promise. For the moment my concentration is directed towards my music and work. Or at least that's where I am attempting to focus it. No worries if I disappear for awhile, I've only gotten lost in my work or my new found happiness.

juska_salminen @ 2004-03-26T06:52:00

2004-03-26T05:10:10Z

I ventured out into the land of the living today. Or rather, got onto aim to talk to people. I was welcomed into a chat and caught up with an old friend or two. Hannah will be stopping by sometime this afternoon, so as soon as I finish my morning coffee I better make sure I don't have any underwear lying around or anything. It's always nice to have a little female company once in awhile, I've gotten used to spending most of my time with Miikka and some of the other guys.

Next week, when he arrives back in Finland, I have plans to take an interesting young man out for drinks and conversation. If anything else happens, so be it.

juska_salminen @ 2004-03-01T03:55:00

2004-03-01T02:02:56Z

I struggled to light my fag and suddenly realized my hands were trembling. It's not often somebody can affect me enough to cause such a reaction. He's the ache that doesn't fade. Seeing him again reminded me of that. An addiction I am helpless to shake. Sweat glistened on his skin as he stared up at me, eyes glazed over, lopsided grin affixed on his face. So tasty. So pretty. So intoxicating. I keep going back for more, taking more than my share. Greedy. Lustful. Overwhelmed. I lose myself inside of him again and again, not wanting to find my way back out. How can something that feels so right, be so wrong? He'll leave again soon. Will his eyes still call out to me when we meet again? Will he think of me, dream of me, call out my name in his slumber? No matter if he does or doesn't. Hearing my name fall from his lips, like the sweetest of honey, as his body writhes beneath me...is enough to satisfy my cravings, to tame the savage beast of desire inside of me, until the next time we meet.

It's not often I put on a show. But I must admit, this was a damn good one.

juska_salminen @ 2004-02-14T20:51:00

2004-02-14T19:03:13Z

What do you do when you wake up in tangled sheets, curled around someone you never expected to be? Seeing him actually smile was amazing and yet...I'm so confused right now. Maybe I should just stop thinking and enjoy myself for awhile.

juska_salminen @ 2004-01-30T04:55:00

2004-01-30T02:56:16Z

I've tried writing this update numerous times now. Everytime I get down a few sentences, I end up deleting them and walking away. How do you find the words when you're not sure they even exist?

I've yet to pack my bags, but there's no point in doing so until I get word from him. I don't mean to put any pressure on him. That's the last thing I want to do. Why am I getting a bad feeling about all of this?

I've been attempting to get ahold of Miikka but he hasn't been answering his phone. Or possibly he's still avoiding me. Either way that's not good. Maybe if I show up on his doorstep he will talk to me. We really need to straighten some things out. I've been putting this off for far too long.

Fill in your own subject line here

2004-01-11T16:30:44Z

Jesse returned to New York awhile ago so the flat is once again quiet and lonely. It was nice while he was here and I'm glad he was able to visit.

It's weird when you start having feelings for somebody you've known for a while. When you go from looking at them like a friend to suddenly seeing them in a new light. But what do you do when they are like a wild rose that doesn't wish to be tamed? If you pluck it to take home and enjoy, it will eventually whither and die.

We've talked and attempted to define what we share. But it is hard to put a definition to something that wishes none. We finally decided to see each other officially, yet also see others as well. Take it slow and simple. Am I doing the right thing?

I miss him.

juska_salminen @ 2003-12-31T03:25:00

2003-12-31T01:29:06Z

Jani? Why am I still finding your hair around my house? Next time you visit I'm going to make you wear a hairnet I swear!

juska_salminen @ 2003-12-20T23:10:00

2003-12-20T21:25:55Z

I should have said this sooner but...Happy Birthday Mikko. I hope you had a good one. I apologize for not coming to London as I had hoped to do, but it was better that way, trust me.

I have a bandaid over a once gaping wound. It won't heal it but at least it keeps the dirt and grime out for the moment, lessens the pain. It's all I could ask for. A talk with a friend has set me straight again and reminded me who I really am. Sometimes a slap in the face (metaphorically so please don't come slap me in the face for real) is all you really need. Well, that and a good bottle of Jaeger.

Talking with another friend has become less painful then what it used to be. And I'm glad for that because she is a really nice girl. It was just an unfortunate circumstance that threw us together like this. One neither of us can blame ourselves for. And one that fades from my heart and mind more and more each day. No more steps back, only giant leaps forward.

Jesse is coming to visit very soon. I am looking forward to seeing him again. The flat has been empty minus the occasional rare guest and it will be nice to share it with somebody for a little while. Now I must go make it look somewhat presentable before he arrives.

juska_salminen @ 2003-12-19T02:45:00

2003-12-19T00:49:02Z

Next time I even think about doing anything with a girl, somebody smack me upside the head and remind me how complicated they are? I am still trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Edit: How could I forget my interview? It's not very long and the questions aren't that thought provoking, then again, neither are my answers. Oh well.

Skirts and saunas

2003-12-15T00:44:06Z

I have really been slacking with this thing. I suppose I should attempt another generalization with cryptic tones to tell but not tell everyone what I have been up to.

Unfortunately I haven't been up to a whole lot. Vanessa came to visit a few days ago and we partook of a sauna together. It was very relaxing and very nice to see her. She always has a smile on her face and a happy attitude. We had an impromptu snowball fight and sipped tea while discussing my fashion sense. I think I bored her with my rambling because soon she was asleep on my couch.

We were supposed to get together on Friday, but like the clod I am, I got caught up in work and forgot to call her. I'm sorry Vanessa. I hope you can forgive me.

Jesse was supposed to be coming to visit me in the near future but I haven't heard from in awhile. I do hope he's okay.

Now I must get back to practicing for the olympics. Must be in tip top shape if I want to win a gold medal. Random nonsense only one other person will understand.

Also, I have a bandaid and a request. Wonder if I should deliver it or not.

Because I like to pat myself on the back, but my hand gets tired after awhile.

2003-11-25T07:27:51Z

There are three demo songs up for those who are actually curious what we sound like. Well, two, since the third one doesn't want to work for whatever reason right now. Tiaga Check us out or not. I won't cry if you don't. I might pout for an hour, but then I'll get over it.

tick tock touch and go lips so warm heart so cold

2003-11-24T08:14:54Z

Familiarity. Family. Home.

Arrived to find flat still a shambles. Wishful thinking it would clean itself before I returned. Note to self: Find laziest way to clean flat. Possibly hire a cleaning service. Remind self cleaning service needs to be paid with money and does not accept beer bottles as payment. Remind self of low cash flow. Push up sleeves and spend half the day doing manual labor. Accept mediocricy instead of perfection and sleep.

Returned late (or was it early?) yesterday after the gathering that was my sole purpose for coming back from my trip abroad. Don't remember much after having a bottle of Jager thrust upon me, and how does one turn down instructions per the guest of honor? Woke up with a headache parting gift. Remind me to send a lovely thank you card and bottle of wine. At least I slept in my own bed and not on the floor. Floor face does not the fashion statement make. Not that I know anything about fashion. Find me not on a catwalk near you. Don't look for my clothing line in department stores around the world.

No candles were blown out. Don't even recall a cake. There were wishes made though. But don't quote me on that. If you ask, I'll deny everything and nothing all at once. Another year vanishes in the blink of an eye and a new one begins.

Speaking of vanishing, where have all my fags gone?

baby steps

2003-11-18T07:05:28Z

In case anybody is interested, I have agreed to do an interview here. It will be posted sometime this week. If I'm not feeling too lazy I'll post it here in my journal as well. They are going to be asking me some questions about NDF, Tiaga and of course HIM.

Tiaga is the new band I agreed to join. The rest of the band includes Santtu Lonka (who followed me from NDF) on drums, Jape Peratalo (vocal), ex-TO/DIE/FOR guitarist Juppe "J.P." Sutela, and current TO/DIE/FOR guitarist Mika "Alli" Ahtiainen. We're still searching for a bass player right now. Interested Mige? *laughs* Just kidding. I will be back in Finland shortly to work on band related things and to do other miscellanous stuff.

New York was fun and Jesse was an excellent host, but all good things must come to an end. I have to admit it was nice to be able to hang out with somebody and not do anything but talk and actually go do things. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I'm grateful to have Jesse as a friend. He really helped me see the upside to a lot of things. And for those of you nosy people keeping record, no we haven't slept together. But thanks for asking. I look forward to being home again, to sleeping on my own bed. For once, the sky looks a little bluer and the birds sound a little happier. My fingers are itching to play, and as scared as I am, I know I'm doing the right thing.